• kaciespiers

What Are You Running From

When starting to write, I almost never know what to say until I start writing it. Like what should I say, what should I talk about. I used to always write letters to people, but never shared them… I guess I was always afraid of how they’d react. Afraid I’d hurt their feelings, say the wrong thing, not say the right thing, or say too much.

Life is a never-ending battle. Every day that passes by is a battle won, even though some days it can feel like a battle lost… but it’s true. You chose to keep fighting your battles every day when you chose to wake up and get out of bed, and when you put your head down and go to sleep at night.

I find that people really like to judge other people’s battles though. For some people, just waking up and having to face another day is a battle all on its own… for others, it’s how they are going to pay their bills, some battling anxiety, some depression, some it may just be how you’re going to get through the day with the drama at work… regardless, none are too small… they are still YOUR BATTLES.

I found this quote a few days ago that says,

“Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.”

And for the longest time, that’s exactly what I had to keep telling myself. Some days it was so hard for me to even get myself up out of bed… and on those days, that was the battle I fought. Other days, I would feel like I was just gasping for air… and on those days, that was the battle I fought.

But a battle I fight on a daily basis is letting people in… and staying in their life.

I’ve always been afraid of people walking out of my life and leaving me… I mean could you blame me, it has happened a lot. But this week I realized that I don’t even give people the chance to stay anymore. I’ve started walking into relationships, that be a friendship or whatever, but I walk into them with one foot already out the door. I don’t even give them a chance, and I’m already preparing myself for them to leave.

I’ll admit it, I’m a pretty stubborn person, and I don’t really apologize for things like I should… unless I know I really messed up. And last week… I really messed up. I said some pretty harsh things to a friend of mine out of my own hurt and anger. And honestly, I thought I might have lost my friend this time. I always seem to take my hurt and anger out on them… I know it’s wrong, I think I just think they won’t actually leave, no matter what I do. But this time, I didn’t think they’d come back.

After a week of not talking, I finally went and apologized… I felt horrible. But I apologized not expecting a reply or a friendship again… I expected nothing. Long story short, we are friends and talking again.

Although, this friend has always been a little more than just a friend to me. For years I’ve wanted more to happen between us, but they did not. And I accepted it. However, the other night they said some things that sounded like they wanted to finally give things a shot… and I immediately wanted to run.

But why? I mean it’s something I’ve wanted to happen for years right. The truth is I’m afraid to get hurt again. I’m afraid to let someone see the real me. I’m afraid to get close, just to have them leave, so what do I do… I just leave first. Without even giving them a chance.

I don’t even know if I read what they said right, but I just assume and run. And all I do is end up hurting myself, and the other person.

But this time I made myself stay… I may have distanced myself a little bit… but it’s still more than I normally do.

There is this song called Run To The Father. In the chorus it says,

I run to the Father

I fall into grace

I’m done with the hiding

No reason to wait

My heart needs a surgeon

My soul needs a friend

So I’ll run to the Father

Again and again

And again and again

I’ve obviously never been good at running to somebody... I’ve always been good at running away from them. But I never knew what it felt like to actually run to the Father and fall into his grace. It definitely feels so much better than running away from it, I’ll tell you that. I never knew what running into someone’s arms... someone’s arms that wanted you felt like. But running into the Father’s arms feels so good. I finally know what grace and love and acceptance feels like. I always thought people were crazy when they said they could feel the Father and feel his grace and love... I always found it crazy because I never experienced it... I never allowed myself to. But once you stop running... from everything, you finally can.

So I encourage not only you but me as well, to stop running from your battles or whatever you find yourself running from. Getting hurt, yeah it sucks, but what if this time you don’t get hurt. What if this time it’s different and everything you imagined it would be and more. And I’m not just talking about relationships, I’m talking about life.

So what are you running from? Maybe this time you should stop running and give it a shot, you honestly got nothing to lose.

Songs that stuck out to me this week:

(Run To The Father By: Cody Carnes) (Still In Control By: Mack Brock)

(Graves Into Garden (ft. Brandon Lake) By: Elevation Worship)

(My Testimony By: Elevation Worship)

If you have any prayer requests, need more advice on this topic, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact.

©2019 by it-is-well.