Someone told me last night that they didn’t know how I did this blog thing. That they could never just publicly put their feelings out there and teach people things… and honestly, I don’t know how I do it either. I am the person to keep my problems to myself and handle them on my own, and most of the time I don’t know how I am going to give advice on what I am writing on until I just write it. I’m also a person who has never cared what people thought of me, so I figured what do I really have to lose by doing this.
I never really did this for other people. I never expected anyone to even read my posts. I never expected to get positive feedback from people or anything like that. I really just did it for myself. It was a way for me to write and sort of reflect on things. If anything I teach myself what I am telling y'all.
Right now I feel very confused in life though. I don’t want to name any names, but I recently ended a relationship. It was very hard for me to do this, as I wasn’t quite sure as to why I was ending it… I just felt something telling me I needed to.
Now this person and I started talking again strictly as friends, and it feels really good… but also very confusing. I never wanted this person to be completely out of my life, I still wanted to be friends with them. But I knew it would be hard for them.
For the past few days, I’ve actually been frustrated at them. When we were in our relationship I begged for things that they are doing now. I wanted God in our relationship… now he is leading a bible study. I wanted him to do small things for me to show he cared and loved me… and the other day when I was at work he Ubered me a tea from Starbucks, and today left me a small gift. It is so nice and sweet of him and it means a lot to me… it is just so frustrating to me as to why now? Why not the two years you had when we were together? I just don’t get it… and it is so frustrating and confusing.
While we were together I got a shadow box and would collect change in it. When it got filled to the top, I would take it to my bank and cash it in for cash. Each time there was over $100 in it. Towards the end, he also started to help me collect change. When I ended things I found a card that had a bride and groom on it with a dog in the middle… I gave him $100 from my change box and put it in this card. I told him that I hoped he kept the $100 and used it on his honeymoon with whoever he ended up with and that he gave her this cad on their wedding day… Tonight I found out that instead of being angry and spending the money, or ripping the card to shreds, he took the card… wrote a note to his future wife for their wedding day, put the $100 in it, and sealed it to give to her on their wedding day. I’m not gonna lie, I teared up when I heard this.
Why am I so confused you might ask… well, I don’t get why the guy I had been wanting, I am finally getting after I broke up with him. I don’t get why I felt God telling me I needed to end this relationship and that there was something better for the both of us.
I can picture the guy I see myself with. I know what I want in a guy. I know what I am not ok settling with, and what I am. I just want to find that person now. And I know I am young and sound stupid. I know that I might not get my picture-perfect fairy-tale guy… but I know that I’ll get pretty close to it. I know that the guy I have on my mind doesn’t have me on his. I know that I probably won’t find my country guy who sweeps me off my feet. And I know that things take time… but it’s ok for me to think about this guy. It’s ok for me to picture this unrealistic “fairy-tale” guy. And it’s ok for me to be confused.
Now, why am I telling you about my messy confused love life that these people probably won’t appreciate me posting about… well because everyone here is kind of like God. I know no one compares to God, but hear me out. The guy I ended my relationship with could choose not to be friends with me. He could choose to be mad and angry (trust me he was). But he could choose to still be. He could’ve thrown that card away and spend the money on something for him… but instead, he decided to love me unconditionally, even though I hurt him badly.
Even though I ended things he is still there for me and showing me he cares. He knows we are just friends… but he still does nice things for me. He still checks up on me to make sure I’m ok. He still goes to my church and sits by me… he still loves me no matter what I have done to him… just like God still loves me no matter what I have done to him.
God still loves me when I don’t pray for months or weeks, when I don’t do my devos, when I don’t go to church. He loves me when I sin… he loves me no matter what. Guess it just took this moment for me to see that God is using him to show me that they both love me unconditionally.
Now that guy I’ve been thinking about that I know certainly doesn’t think about me. He probably has no idea who he even is… but this is like God too. God is always thinking about you and I. God is always going to want a relationship with you, he is always there for you, he is always there. Now, this guy doesn’t think about me, just like you don’t always think about God. But I’ve been thinking about him, just like God thinks about you. God is always there thinking about you even when you aren’t thinking about him. How cool is that?
And now that future fairy-tale guy that I always picture. That can relate to God too. That’s the guy that God has waiting for you. That’s the guy that God is waiting to place in your life. He is waiting for the right time for you guys to meet. He knows that you need to grow a little more so that your relationship can last a lifetime. If you’re me, he knows that I need to learn to be patient and wait. He knows that I need to learn how to be content with being alone first.
So my future fairy-tale guy hasn’t shown up yet because God is working on both of us, whoever it is so that we can last a lifetime.
I know that things are hard and confusing. I know that you just want “the one” to show up already and just be happy. But things like this take time. And just like me, God is using these times to teach you things.
So remember that God loves you unconditionally, God is always thinking about you and always wants a relationship with you, and God is preparing you for your person. So take this time to take God’s advice. Listen to him. Grow in him.
Be patient. And take this time to learn new things and better yourself for your person. Learn that God loves you unconditionally and is always chasing after you. Because there’s no better feeling than finally realizing his love is unconditional and truly believing it. Trust me… because I just did.
Songs that stuck out to me this week:
(Tremble// What A Beautiful Name By: Phil Wickham)\
(Another In The Fire By: Hillsong UNITED)
(You AreLife By: Hillsong Worship)
If you have any prayer requests, need more advice on this topic, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact me at email@example.com.