Riding The Waves
So I love quotes… I could look at them for hours on end. I follow so many quote accounts on Instagram and find quotes all over Pinterest. The other day I was on Pinterest and found a quote that really stuck out to me. It says…
“The most beautiful part of loving a guarded girl is this:
When she lets you in, it’s not because she needs you. She stopped needing people long ago. It’s because she wants you. And that - that is the purest love of all.” ~Unknown Author
I feel I relate to this quote so much. I have been hurt so many times by guys or people in general. It took me forever to open up to people, and then right when I started to open up again I would just get hurt. So I went back to keeping things in.
I have always been the person to trust others until you give me a reason to not trust you… and for the most part, I still am that way. I always tell myself that there are two types of people in the world… one person goes through something and learns that they don’t want to be that way and aren’t going to let it affect them, and then there is the person who thinks that what they went through is normal and becomes that way and lets their situation become who they are.
I have always told myself that I will never let my situations or things I go through define me. That I will use them to become a better person and to grow. And let them teach me how I don’t want to be.
Now the quote I wrote up top… I still am that guarded girl. I use to be far more guarded and hurt than I am now, but I have definitely hit rock bottom, and I’ve been sky high before too. I use to be that girl who would sit on the shower floor and cry her eyes out and sometimes not even know why… but a lot of times it was over boys… mostly the father who left my life. There were countless nights I would lay in bed crying myself to sleep… seeing things in public and fighting the tears back. I have had anxiety attacks that no one knows about… I have been depressed and lied on depression tests to doctors so people wouldn’t see my pain.
Yeah… that mask everyone always jokes about wearing… I wore it pretty well. I let people see the happy-go-lucky fun side of Kacie when in reality I just needed someone to see the pain I was hiding and be there for me.
I used to always run to any kind of attention from a guy when my dad left me. I just wanted to feel that love that only a guy can give a girl… especially the love only a father can give his little girl. I looked and looked and could never find it.
I felt I needed it so badly that I ran into a two-year relationship when I knew I wasn’t ready for one. I would let my hurt and pain out on him by starting petty fights, I would compromise who I was to fit the part of the girl he needed and wanted, I gave up my guy friends, I threw away things I wrote… in a way I became afraid of him but was too scared to admit that I was.
I hated kissing him because I knew if I did it would lead to him wanting more that I didn’t want. I gave up a lot of my faith because he wasn’t strong in his and wouldn’t help encourage it with me. I gave up my friends. And I gave up writing… something I used to cope with my pain.
I was pretty hurt after this relationship, and honestly, I was pretty scared to even let another guy in my life… now look, this cowboy of mine was put in my life and is my boyfriend now. And a lot of things that he does takes me by surprise because I have never really felt or known what it was like to be respected and cared for like he shows me.
I’ve learned that sometimes the best things in life come when you take a step back and learn to be yourself. Learn what you are comfortable with, what you need in life, and learn to be happy with yourself and not rely on other people to make you happy.
Learn to go with the flow and not control everything or be controlled. Learn how to trust again and be confident in who you are, don’t let other people change who you are… that’s when you get hurt and lose yourself.
Turn to God and learn to let go and give it to him. I know we all say we need a guy in our life… but you really don’t. Yes, it is nice to know that you have someone by your side… but you don’t really need to have a guy by your side. And I know it might sound bad coming from me, as I’m with another guy. But I’ve learned to be content with being alone… and yes it is nice to have him in my life, but I also enjoy just being alone. Because trust me, I'm the girl that would love to be married with kids at any time lol.
Just learn to trust the process and pray about it. Cling to God and your friends and everything else will fall into place.
Just ride the waves life throws at you instead of letting them crash over you.
Songs that stuck out to me this week:
(Different By: Micha Tyler)
(Beautifully Broken By: Plumb)
(O Come To The Altar By: Elevation Worship)
If you have any prayer requests, need more advice on this topic, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact