I Can't Breathe
Have you ever sat on the shower floor and just felt the water pour down on you? Have you ever just sat there and let all the thoughts run through your head and then find yourself crying… and there’s no one there to pick you up and tell you it will be ok. There’s no one there to hear you cry or feel your pain… it’s just you alone on the shower floor… Yeah, well that was me last night. No one there to hear me cry or know I’m in pain, no one there to pick me up off the floor and tell me everything will be ok, just no one.
Well, if you ever have sat on the shower floor with the water pouring down, then you know it gets hard to breathe… and if you’ve ever cried hard enough, then you know it can also become hard to breathe. So sitting there on the shower floor last night, not only was I hurt and crying and alone… but I was struggling to breathe. You have to peek your head out for a few seconds to just catch a breath… and that’s how my life has become.
My life is always a constant battle and just getting poured on with all of these things, and you finally find a second to peek your head out and catch a break… and then you’re suddenly hit again with another storm and getting poured on.
My life is a constant circle of this… as soon as things look up and start getting good… bam! Back to square one.
Have you ever just had a bad day? A day where everything just seems to go and feel wrong. A day where everyone who talks to you just pisses you off. A day where all you want to do is be left alone… but at the same time, you just want that one special person to see your pain and just be there and hold you. A day where you can’t find a chance to catch a break to take a breath… you’re just drowning. Well… that kind of day… that’s my day today.
I’ve always grown up being told that it’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to cry, and it’s ok to be sad and hurt… but I guess it’s not really ok, because when that day comes like today, everyone says it’s not ok. You get pissed off and don’t want to talk, but then you are accused of having an attitude. You just want to be left alone… but only with that one special person of course, and of course that one special person wants nothing to do with you and won’t even talk to you. That family that is supposed to be there and care for you, yeah well they don’t care and just worry about themselves and are mad that you are having a bad day… but little do they know it’s not just a bad day... It’s been a bad few days… not even days, months. I’ve just hidden it well enough that no one even knew. But sorry, I slipped up, I showed you my hurt and pain, I showed that I had a bad day. So you wonder why I have trust issues with people. You wonder why I am afraid to let people into my life. You wonder why I don’t talk to anyone… it’s because when days like today happen, everyone gets mad and runs.
So what do you do? You crawl back in your little shell, you put that mask back on, and you have another night on the shower floor… alone, hurt, and struggling to breathe.
I know this “blog” is supposed to be all happy and have some sort of good news and something positive at the end… but I don’t have that for you tonight. I just needed somewhere I could vent. Someplace I could tell my feelings to and not be judged, or hurt, or left alone. I know everyone says it always gets better, or God is doing something in your life right now I can see it… well, guess what I don’t see it. I don’t see anything better. I see everything getting worse! I see myself finally mending relationships that I have fought for your years just for them to get even worse than what it was from the start. I see the one person who I thought was suppose to love me unconditionally… I see him tell me he wishes I was dead. You had a hard time trusting guys before? Well, how are you supposed to trust guys now? How are you supposed to know when people say they want to talk to you that they really mean it.
And why am I the only one fighting for the relationships in my life!? Why am I always the one to text first, always the one to carry on a conversation, always the one to catch feelings too fast, and always the one who cares too much? When do I get to experience how that feels and have someone fighting for me?
I don’t even know how to end this, because frankly, I don’t have a positive ending to this. I don’t have advice to give, and I don’t have some cheesy line to wrap this all up… I guess this is just the real, raw Kacie right now… the Kacie that is a mess deep down but never shows anyone that she really is. The Kacie that just needs to be wrapped up and held in someone's arms right now but doesn’t have anyone even if she wanted. The Kacie that is slowly drowning and can’t pull herself to the surface to catch a breath this time. The Kacie who needs someone to pull her up and show her what love really feels like for once.
Now I don’t want anyone’s sad comments or texts, and I don’t want the sad looks when I see you or the pity parties you want to throw for me… I just needed somewhere to talk cuz I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. So if you read this far down I just hope you know that what you are going through seems like a mess and it hurts and it just sucks. Like everyone says, “Life’s a bitch”... I guess what they forgot to add is that you don’t have to make it one, sometimes other people make it one for you.