Finding the Joy in Loneliness
As I said in my last post I had a lot of changes happen in this past year and the past few weeks, and trust me a lot has happened in these past few weeks. I started my first week of college, I officially cut things off with my now ex-boyfriend of two years, I got in touch with some other friends, and I’ve felt God just really tugging at my heart. I know this is only my first official blog post since my last one was kind of just to start, but something is telling me I just need to be upfront and honest and share what I’m about to share.
So if you don’t already know, my father and I don’t have the perfect little father-daughter relationship that most people have. It has been quite a struggle. It has torn me apart in ways that many don’t know, and it has definitely made it hard to go through high school and not ever having him be apart of any of it. But that’s not what I want to get at here.
Because of this, my freshman year of high school I found myself just chasing after guys. Literally would just find cute guys on Instagram and try to get them to notice me, or do that thing where you post something to get their attention and hope they message you, or try to make them notice you in class, or even go as far as to dm them myself. (Which I have learned it’s ok to dm them but not like I was back then)
I don’t want to mention specific names here, and I don’t know if he knows I’m talking about him or if he’ll ever read this. But my freshman year of high school I got really attached to this one guy. He was a senior, however, and I was just a freshman. I thought he was so cute and would try to go out of my way to get him to notice me a little bit and do anything for the tiniest bit of attention. And guess what… I got it. He truly was and still is a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but I would get so excited to talk to him, and go meet up at the library after class with him, and see him come in one of my classes to take tests, and he was just always on my mind. It became pretty unhealthy. And when he turned eighteen and cut things off, it was pretty hard.
I realized I was doing this and chasing after guys to fill that void of not having my father around. Hoping I could fill my heart with something I was missing. After he had left and things were over, yes I talked to a few other guys, and then right before Irma happened my ex and I started talking. He made me so happy and literally climbed on the roof to get service during Irma just to talk to me. And I was like yeah… I think he’s the one.
Now a lot of good things happened in our relationship, but also a lot of bad things did too. I’m not going to go into detail, but this summer we went on a trip to Steinhatchee to go scalloping over the 4th. After the trip, I had to go work at a summer camp (LACC) that I work at every summer for two weeks. (I love it up there. I’d never leave if I could) But we were in such a great place and left each other better than ever.
About three or four days after being up at the camp, I could just fell God speaking to me. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew he was saying something. About the second week I opened up about a lot of things to my girlfriends up there, and it felt SO GOOD! Speaking to them just gave me all the answers I needed, and I knew then I needed to end things with my ex. I realized I had begun to sort of idol him. I would save all the money I could from my paychecks to spend on dates for us, I would sacrifice my spiritual life and just be ok with it, I distanced myself from girlfriends and only focused on him. I would change what I was into, as in liking what he liked and not doing things I use to do. I went so far as to stop photography (which I loved to do), and I didn’t listen to EDM music for those two years (which I also loved), and much more. (These are just a small couple examples... but you get the point) My ex didn’t even know I liked EDM music until the last few weeks of our relationship. It wasn’t good for me. So I came home and once again didn’t listen to God. I told my ex how I felt and still gave it a chance. I truly had it in my head that he was the one, but God was surely telling me he wasn’t. About a month later I finally ended things.
That brings me to these past few weeks… So you remember that guy I talked about from my freshman year of high school… Well, I had seen his birthday was about a week or two ago and decided to add him on snap chat and catch up with him. I truly had every intention to just be friends and talk, although turns out he no longer has a girlfriend. So, of course, I was then sort of like “Oh” and he seemed to interest me. And then… I followed him on Instagram, turns out he’s like a BIG CHRISTIAN now! So, of course, that sparked my interest even more! So here I am being flirty with this guy, and he is sort of back, and he tells me that he can’t talk to me because I’m not eighteen yet.
Now him saying that was shocking to me in a way. But I completely respect it. Now I don’t know if he did that as a respect thing for me or just for himself completely, but regardless, it was like the only time a guy has respected me. I don’t know why, but something told me to pray about it, and I did and God gave me some answers. Some answers he’s told me before, but I didn’t want to listen to.
I know it may seem weird, but this guy I told you about at the beginning made a post a while ago that I saw, and he said to take yourself out. Yes I know, that’s weird right, but it is also so good. I took his advice and found that it is so nice. You can spend your money on YOU, you can do what YOU want, you can leave when YOU want, you don’t have to look good for anyone but YOU. So I went and took some pictures, because I haven’t in a few years, and I listened to my EDM music...The Chaninsokers! I love the Chainsmokers so much. I can remember who introduced me to them, where I listened to their first and only album that came out and everything.
God has shown me that I don’t need a man in my life to make me happy or to fill that father figure in my life. I can be so happy by myself. He has also taught me that it is ok to be lonely. It is ok to go out and make yourself happy, it is ok to just spend time with God, it is ok to be yourself, and it is ok to be patient and wait. Now I don’t know if this guy and I will talk in about a month when I turn eighteen, but I do know God is telling me to just take this time to be alone, and he will guide me where he wants me in that month. And if it’s with that guy or talking to him, amazing. But if it means still growing in loneliness and finding the joy in it, that's great too.
So just know that you don’t need a guy or a girl in your life to make you happy. All you need is yourself and God. And if you have been like me always chasing after guys, maybe it’s time you take a step back like me and learn to grow in loneliness. Because there is one guy who will always chase after and win your heart like no other, and that’s God. He is always fighting for you and will never give up on you, you just gotta let him fight for you.
Songs that stuck out to me this week:
(Different By: Micha Tyler)
(Never Been a Moment By: Micha Tyler)
(Symphony By: Switch)
If you have any prayer requests, need more advice on this topic, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.