Break Your Walls
Being vulnerable and writing for other people to read is hard. It is especially hard when you have so many things you want to say but aren’t exactly sure how to put it into words. I feel like I haven’t written in forever… and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I was busy with finals and then I’ve just been so sick and worn out lately. I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore.
For those of you who don’t know I was diagnosed with celiac disease about 5 or 6 months ago… and let me tell you it has flipped my life upside down. I can no longer eat things I use to eat, do things I want to do, and have the energy I used to have. I have had test after test done and just feel like it is never-ending.
During all of this, I keep having this thought in my head that “Everything good that comes runs”. I’ve lived my whole life with this thought about everything. Someone good comes into your life and as soon as you get comfortable or start to trust them they are gone. You finally get to a good place at work and it’s all just thrown away. You finally get those grades you want at school just to have one assignment mess it all up. The list goes on.
I am always the person to be there and care for others. The person who will go out of their way when it’s so hard to even get out of bed in the morning. The person who pays for everything when they shouldn’t. The person who will listen and talk to make sure someone is ok but has no one to listen to them. The person who is always willing to go the extra mile and has no one to go the extra mile for them.
I honestly have no idea what this post is supposed to be about, nor do I know where it is going. Sometimes writing is just my escape for a while. I don’t have to worry if anyone is listening or if anyone wants to even listen. I don’t have to worry about whose feelings I hurt, and I can just say what I want to say.
But back to that saying, “Everything good that comes runs”. I still sort of believe it. But maybe not as much as I used to. A friend I’ve known for years sent me this text a while ago and not gonna lie, at first I thought it was pretty stupid. But I think I get it now. They told me you need to “Drop all the weight of the old and become renewed in the new”.
This can apply to anything. Maybe it’s that person who left you on bad terms and you can’t let that grudge you hold over them go. Maybe it’s that job you lost and you can’t forgive yourself for making that mistake. Maybe it’s that relationship you let slip through your fingers and beat yourself up over that mistake you made that let them go.
There’s a solution to everything. You just have to look to the bright side of things. Those sunflowers I talked about, you have to be one of those. Yes, I know it is so hard. Trust me there are days where it hurts me just to get out of bed and I just want to stay there… but you can’t live your life like that.
There’s this song I was listening to while writing this and I feel it just fits so well. The song is called “Get to You By: Michael Ray”. There’s this part in the song where he says,
Run away, run away from love
What the hell are you so scared of?
You walk away when you've had enough
Of trying, of trying
Girl there's always gonna be some pain
A little sunshine, a little rain
It doesn't mean it ain't worth it babe
I'm trying, I'm trying to get to you
One day you're gonna love again
Mess up and let somebody in
To every part of your whole world
You think it's unthinkable girl
But somebody's gonna break those walls
Somebody's gonna watch you fall
Gonna give it your all and I hope that I'm around
When you finally find out why you
This is me to a T. Someone finally gets close to me and I start to run away. I’m used to putting my guard up and just dealing with my own problems and not letting others in. I’m so done trying and getting hurt again or let down.
But I’ve learned that there is always gonna be some pain no matter what. Whether that pain is from other people or myself. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it. Sometimes waiting and taking time turns out better in the end. Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way with someone, and waiting definitely just makes your relationship or friendship even stronger and so much more worth it.
But when that person does come, you don’t have to let them in right away, but you eventually have to let them in and learn to trust them. Let them break those walls and let you fall in their arms. You always take care of everyone and catch everyone else when they fall… maybe it’s time you fall and let someone else catch you.
I don’t know if this post went anywhere, but maybe it was something I just needed to remind myself of. So I just encourage you to be patient with relationships, whether that be a friendship, and family member, or a romantic one. Some take years to come, and your relationship only grows stronger. And when you let someone in, I encourage you to let them “break your walls” and “catch you when you fall”.
Get to You By: Michael Ray https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXJmTbU0O0g
Songs that stuck out to me this week:
(Way Maker By: Leeland)
(Believer By: Rhett Walker)
(Almost Home By: MercyMe)
If you have any prayer requests, need more advice on this topic, or just need someone to talk to feel free to contact.